40 years old. this is the deadline i've decided on. either i get shit together, or everything ends. i figure if i can't get better, then it will never happen. i don't want to keep living like this for another half century. it's already a struggle to keep on going today. the question is, do i even want to get better, or am i content to let go and let it end on my terms? maybe i'll revisit this with a new perspective. maybe i won't. i've endlessly been searching for something. i don't know what that something is, but i've grown tired of looking.

we all have this ideal in our head of what we want to be when we grow up. those ideals are now gone for me. i can't see a future where i belong or where i attain this ideal. my past self looking at the pale shade of what they turned into. what a disappointment. maybe in another life they took another path where they were able to become what they deserved to be. that person is lost to me now. i can't remember what they wanted. their dreams; their desires. if they don't forgive me, hopefully they'll understand.

start the countdown.